Off late I feel that I have become neutral to lot of things that I was obsessed about earlier. Actually obsession is a small word, do not know if there is a graver word for obsession, so intense it was that it led me to depression, several out bursts and not to mention tearful conversations. The tears threatened to well up in eyes at the slightest of provocation.
Things have changed now and I do not know yet for good or for bad. For example there were times, when someone pointed out my inefficiency even if there was none; there would be sleepless nights, bouts of frustration and again tearful eyes at the drop of a hat. Secondly, unreasonable behaviour from people would provoke my anger with such ease that it lead to regret later. Some things not happening, projects not getting completed at work or at home, parents behaving in unreasonable manner, anything at all would annoy me to no extent.
Now things are completely different, there is acceptance that things are going to be the way they are and that the best has to be done from my side. People and things have to be put with the way they are and workarounds needs to be developed around them. The realization has struck me that my mental peace and well being is above all and this has to be achieved by keeping calm internally while there is absolute chaos outside. I do not have sleepless nights any more, fountains of frustrations from inside me are coming out with less frequently and tears have somehow vanished! They come out only when I allow them to.
This I feel has happened because I do not let things affect me as they would. It may mean several things, like going easy on life, or may be the importance of that thing has reduced, or may be it just doesn’t matter what happens! Some things hurt less now than before, people behaving in a certain manner are a given and have to be dealt with as they are. Things and people going out of life is a matter of fact and has to be taken with a pinch of salt. Sometimes it makes me feel have become less sensitive but this belief shatters (thank God!) in some situations. I go back to being my grouchy, frustrating, tear bearing face self, but again the frequency has reduced. It takes extreme emotions or situations to bring this out.
Honestly I have never been a go getter in my life, I like to take things easy and let them fall in their places at their own pace. Some may term me lethargic but I am completely ok with that. While I do not wait for things to come to me but I walk towards them at my own will and wish. The conflict of my mind and heart is reduced leaps and bounds.
I started writing this post on 21st May (yes there are lots of draft and incomplete posts in my kitty 😦 ). While I was busy believing that nothing affects me now which is apparent from the above paragraphs, Karma grinned evilly and gave me situations where all the above beliefs about me shattered to pieces. Yes some people, things and situations still affect me and worse than earlier. Life and karma showed it to me in the cruellest way possible. And here I am, 2 months later, brooding over a thing on which I also talked about in this <post>.
These days I am keeping silent as much as possible, not that it is taking a lot of effort, it seems to come naturally in the past few days. So much so that sometimes I do not recognize my own voice and it feel I am listening to some stranger when I hear myself speak, also I have toned down a bit too. My voice has gone low and some times it just comes out as a whisper, especially at home. I am inaudible most of the times these days.
I have drifted to some other world which I do not recognize. To be very honest, I do not even recognize myself at times. I feel I am a complete stranger and I do not know anything about myself. At work too, the reflexes are so natural and unknown to me that I feel somebody else is working on my behalf so efficiently that even I am surprised. Decisions are taken, advices given, a light moment here and there, fact sheets passed on and lot more done seamlessly. Although I feel the stress and fatigue in my mind and body but it seems that my body is separate from my soul and mind. It feels like two different entities unknown to each other.
At home too, due to some recent events, I prefer not to speak much, or let’s just say I prefer not to speak at all. I answer questions in mono syllables and just get into doing something which does not require communication. I speak so less that again my voice becomes unrecognizable to me! My mind and body also seems to have stopped communicating and I get this feeling for various reasons. For one, when my body and mind both are extremely tired both refuse to shut down and sleep. Even if the eyes are drooping with sleep the mind mill keeps buzzing and the body refuses to rest itself on the bed. Secondly, my stomach has also seems to have lost co-ordination with the mind and body. Meaning, I feel hungry but I can go on without food, or if I eat when I am hungry the message just does not reach the brain that the stomach is full even if it is! Do you know how content and happy one feels when one eats his or her favourite dish and the stomach and heart both fills? Well, I have not experienced that feeling in ages.
In an earlier post I had mentioned that smiling comes naturally to me, but even that has stopped recently. Smiling has become a task for me and it really takes effort to conjure up a smile when needed. Sorry to say, but I just fake my best fake smile a lot around, because I have no option! I cannot unburden my emotional baggage on people around because they are not at all responsible for the state of mind that I am in. The irony is the nothing can be said or done to the people who cause you hurt because those are the people you care about most and do not wish to hurt back even if they have been real nasty to you. That is love I guess! We might feel like screaming at them, say something utterly nasty, walk off on them for causing so much hurt but we cannot do any of it. Why? There is absolutely no answer to it.
So it is better to keep silent and swallow all the words that are dying to come out. When I say swallow words sometimes they are good ones too. You feel so miserable inside that to say something good to someone also seems difficult even though you feel so much about them, the other adversities keeps your good self to say good about some. So as of now silence it is!
Edited to add : I am extremely sorry for all the grammatical mistakes in the post, I am too over whelmed with emotions. I am aware that it does not give me the liberty to to do so but I will tale extra care from next time.