Off late I feel that I have become neutral to lot of things that I was obsessed about earlier. Actually obsession is a small word, do not know if there is a graver word for obsession, so intense it was that it led me to depression, several out bursts and not to mention tearful conversations. The tears threatened to well up in eyes at the slightest of provocation.
Things have changed now and I do not know yet for good or for bad. For example there were times, when someone pointed out my inefficiency even if there was none; there would be sleepless nights, bouts of frustration and again tearful eyes at the drop of a hat. Secondly, unreasonable behaviour from people would provoke my anger with such ease that it lead to regret later. Some things not happening, projects not getting completed at work or at home, parents behaving in unreasonable manner, anything at all would annoy me to no extent.
Now things are completely different, there is acceptance that things are going to be the way they are and that the best has to be done from my side. People and things have to be put with the way they are and workarounds needs to be developed around them. The realization has struck me that my mental peace and well being is above all and this has to be achieved by keeping calm internally while there is absolute chaos outside. I do not have sleepless nights any more, fountains of frustrations from inside me are coming out with less frequently and tears have somehow vanished! They come out only when I allow them to.
This I feel has happened because I do not let things affect me as they would. It may mean several things, like going easy on life, or may be the importance of that thing has reduced, or may be it just doesn’t matter what happens! Some things hurt less now than before, people behaving in a certain manner are a given and have to be dealt with as they are. Things and people going out of life is a matter of fact and has to be taken with a pinch of salt. Sometimes it makes me feel have become less sensitive but this belief shatters (thank God!) in some situations. I go back to being my grouchy, frustrating, tear bearing face self, but again the frequency has reduced. It takes extreme emotions or situations to bring this out.
Honestly I have never been a go getter in my life, I like to take things easy and let them fall in their places at their own pace. Some may term me lethargic but I am completely ok with that. While I do not wait for things to come to me but I walk towards them at my own will and wish. The conflict of my mind and heart is reduced leaps and bounds.
I started writing this post on 21st May (yes there are lots of draft and incomplete posts in my kitty 😦 ). While I was busy believing that nothing affects me now which is apparent from the above paragraphs, Karma grinned evilly and gave me situations where all the above beliefs about me shattered to pieces. Yes some people, things and situations still affect me and worse than earlier. Life and karma showed it to me in the cruellest way possible. And here I am, 2 months later, brooding over a thing on which I also talked about in this <post>.