These days I am keeping silent as much as possible, not that it is taking a lot of effort, it seems to come naturally in the past few days. So much so that sometimes I do not recognize my own voice and it feel I am listening to some stranger when I hear myself speak, also I have toned down a bit too. My voice has gone low and some times it just comes out as a whisper, especially at home. I am inaudible most of the times these days.
I have drifted to some other world which I do not recognize. To be very honest, I do not even recognize myself at times. I feel I am a complete stranger and I do not know anything about myself. At work too, the reflexes are so natural and unknown to me that I feel somebody else is working on my behalf so efficiently that even I am surprised. Decisions are taken, advices given, a light moment here and there, fact sheets passed on and lot more done seamlessly. Although I feel the stress and fatigue in my mind and body but it seems that my body is separate from my soul and mind. It feels like two different entities unknown to each other.
At home too, due to some recent events, I prefer not to speak much, or let’s just say I prefer not to speak at all. I answer questions in mono syllables and just get into doing something which does not require communication. I speak so less that again my voice becomes unrecognizable to me! My mind and body also seems to have stopped communicating and I get this feeling for various reasons. For one, when my body and mind both are extremely tired both refuse to shut down and sleep. Even if the eyes are drooping with sleep the mind mill keeps buzzing and the body refuses to rest itself on the bed. Secondly, my stomach has also seems to have lost co-ordination with the mind and body. Meaning, I feel hungry but I can go on without food, or if I eat when I am hungry the message just does not reach the brain that the stomach is full even if it is! Do you know how content and happy one feels when one eats his or her favourite dish and the stomach and heart both fills? Well, I have not experienced that feeling in ages.
In an earlier post I had mentioned that smiling comes naturally to me, but even that has stopped recently. Smiling has become a task for me and it really takes effort to conjure up a smile when needed. Sorry to say, but I just fake my best fake smile a lot around, because I have no option! I cannot unburden my emotional baggage on people around because they are not at all responsible for the state of mind that I am in. The irony is the nothing can be said or done to the people who cause you hurt because those are the people you care about most and do not wish to hurt back even if they have been real nasty to you. That is love I guess! We might feel like screaming at them, say something utterly nasty, walk off on them for causing so much hurt but we cannot do any of it. Why? There is absolutely no answer to it.
So it is better to keep silent and swallow all the words that are dying to come out. When I say swallow words sometimes they are good ones too. You feel so miserable inside that to say something good to someone also seems difficult even though you feel so much about them, the other adversities keeps your good self to say good about some. So as of now silence it is!
Edited to add : I am extremely sorry for all the grammatical mistakes in the post, I am too over whelmed with emotions. I am aware that it does not give me the liberty to to do so but I will tale extra care from next time.