In my last post Oh So Busy I have mentioned about how being busy is picking and choosing one thing over the other. Well I have been doing it for quite some time where I am picking and choosing lot of other things than blogging. Might sound repetitive but I have so many things that I wish to write about, I start writing mentally and write or might I say think around 1000 words but I just cannot get myself to write these days. Partly because I have become a bit lazy and partly because I just cannot get my thoughts straight.
While I write this today in solitude since parents have already gone to bed, I realized that I was not able to write because both my parents have been hovering around me for sometime now. Not sure what the reason is but they seem to be hovering around me a lot more than usual, not that they suspect me of some misdeed but merely out of concern I guess. You are so exhausted, why don’t you sleep? They ask and then they hover around me till I shut down and stop everything that I am doing and resign myself to bed in front of their own two eyes! So much for being an only child of a marriageable age :-D.
Back to the point, I have been restless for past few days. A lot of things have happened in the surrounding, good and bad and have got me thinking and a haze of thoughts has surrounded me. So thick is the haze that I am just walking through it not knowing where I am going. My heart and mind are pulling me in exactly opposite directions and I am literally and figuratively being teared apart in this struggle. It surprises me how everything appears blurred and distant and unknown in this haze, I feel I know everyone but at that same moment I feel the person is a complete stranger. I can hear their voices over a distance thru a hollow. Like someone calling out from a distance in a valley! While I can hear muffled voices my vision too has blurred to a good extent, I am not able to see clearly and hence I cannot decide upon whether the person is genuine and what he is saying is good or bad for me.
This time around it’s not the loneliness or the feeling of being sad which is surrounding me, it’s the feeling of being lost and confounded to be accurate. It’s like someone has cast a confounding spell on me which is making me dumb and actually unable to understand what is happening around. My eyes have lost focus and stare in nothingness sometimes or let us say most of the times. Also I feel so wrapped up in something but I am not able to figure out in what. Imagine when someone says I am setting you free, you start walking and realize that your legs are chained and hands handcuffed! Or lets say someone says you can breathe freely but have to wear a mask all the time. I am going thru exactly this kind of phase in my life.
I am chained to my own thoughts and fears which may or may not be irrational. I want few things, I have them in offing but I am not able to accept them. In this process I realized that I am hurting more than one person at a time. I have tried to reason with myself, end up thinking too much and ultimately end up not taking any decision at all. On the surface my mind may appear cool and calm like a swan in a lake, but below the calm water the swan is peddling its legs furiously to keep afloat yes my mind too is like that.
Funny how one learns to keep up appearances just so that one does not have to answer questions or simply because it should not increase the emotional burden on people who love us. I am keep up appearances at work and at home well and I can say that because I cannot see someone suspiciously looking into my eyes and noticing the chaos inside, may be no one is that interested. Pouring my heart out to someone close makes me feel more miserable than ever.
I am standing at a forked road and do not know which direction to take. The below picture explains it perfectly well. Anyways I just hope and pray that I get more clarity on things in the coming days and things unfold for my best!