Approximately 2 years back on this precise time my life had turned upside down and I was pulled up in a storm, the after effects of which are still there after all the time in between. Not that there were no storms earlier, but this one lasted too long, caused too much devastation and taught way too many lessons in the hardest way possible, some of which are yet to be learnt. Actually storm in a small word it is a hurricane what I faced earlier were storms.
I always had an inherent belief that everyone around has goodness in them and would not do anything bad unless and until required or provoked. This belief of mine was shattered during this time itself and how! With my good luck I was always with people who were truthful, honest and admired and stood by the same qualities in others. I never saw this coming and stepped into a new world, basically I hatched out of the egg.
I was immediately caught in the hurricane which I never realised was just behind the closed door. Now that I was caught in it, it twirled and swirled me with it. The entire belief system that I had built over the years shattered in front of my own two eyes and I could do nothing but watch it getting blown away by the hurricane. I was roofless, direction less and caught in a battle outside and within. I migrated and tried to find solace but realised that the hurricane was everywhere and that there was no escaping it.
For the longest time, I did not know what to do and how to fight it and twirled and twisted with the hurricane. I stood there meek, disgusted, shattered and clueless and was pushed and shoved in directions unknown. I was hurt and bruised figuratively. The hurt so deep and the bruises so serious, that at one point I thought that they will wipe out entire existence of mine. But some super power inside me pushed even harder to hold on.
When too many things go wrong at the same time, there comes a time when self doubt creeps in and refuses to go away. Similar thing happened with me as well. All aspects of my life were shattering one after another and my entire world was falling apart in pieces so fine that I could not believe that I had one of my worlds once. The emotional turmoil was so immense that it started affecting my physical health as well and I started believing that I am good for nothing and that I was not fit to do anything productive or least anything correct. Smiling comes naturally to me but I never ever smile when I am not feeling upto it, my cheeks actually hurt when I give a fake smile. It was during this time that my natural smile had vanished almost completely.
I could cry endlessly at the drop of a hat. Tears always over flowed from my eyes and I think my friends had almost given up on me because it had become an everyday thing. I could cry for anything and everything as against my self 2 years back from that time. Crying is the last thing I would do, nothing almost nothing invoked tears. If I was badly hurt physically or emotionally the result would be silence. Complete silence and cut off from the world. I would go back to recluse of reading and that was it.
I forgot how to laugh hearts out and was almost dull and lethargic anytime of the day and anytime of the night. Although my parents were least responsible for any of these conditions, they bore the burnt of it all the time. I snapped at all times and never talked at home while they kept asking me the reason for it. At home, the sofa and a cupboard are placed side by side leaving no space between them. I used to sit on the corner where the sofa touched the cupboard, rest my head on the cupboard and be there for hours together without speaking a word! All the stress and the turmoil inside me left me so fatigued and lethargic that I slept almost 14 hours straight on weekends and never woke up fresh and energized. On most of the weekends, I accompanied Mom on her grocery and vegetables shopping trips to the market which stopped permanently after that.
When I was studying in college one of our professors who used to teach us Environmental Science used a phrase “Every dark cloud has a silver lining” frequently often followed by a sentence that we will understand the real meaning of this sentence sometime in life. Well Mam, thank you for imbibing the sentence in my mind and now I have fully and truly understood the meaning of this sentence, I also believe in it will full faith now.
While the hurricane had sky with dark clouds the silver lining in those gave me a hope and helped me thru the destruction going on around. This is when I decided to be happy of which I have talked about here. And why I am talking all this now? Because I am going thru the same phase again, although I am much settled in the hurricane now but I have dark clouds hovering over me and not able to see the silver lining for a very long time. While I have waited long enough, my patience has started to wear out now. I will talk about these silver linings sometime later, but here are few lessons that I have learnt in the last 2 years (my post seems incomplete without bullet points :-P.
- While life takes lots of things from you, it will also give you something not equally good, not better but just something enough to keep you going. (I got a few good friends.)
- Hard work, honesty and dedication are the things that do not matter much in today’s world.
- If you are being honest, people will say she does not know how to handle tricky situations.
- Passing the buck is the best job to do! Although I still have to learn this.
- Some body or the other is always ready with a knife to back stab you at work, so I have learnt to wear an emotional protective shield against such people.**making a smug face**
- Integrity word does not form a part of many people’s dictionary.
- People do not stand upto their words and expect and trust them to turn around any time and in front of anyone and say exactly the opposite thing.
- Some people are absolutely evil on inside with a smile on their face.
- People with a smart mouth are more adored than people with clean characters.
- There is no point taking work too seriously.
- Pursuing hobbies is the best way to keep mind and soul refreshed.
- Karma is also tired of people with 2 faces and has given up on its slogan “I will get back to you”!
- While people may beat drums for mistakes you make, do not expect any appreciation for good work. Money is enough to cover it!
- I have learnt to build a wall around my mind and heart for attacks of ugly words from people. While it may not be possible to avoid this in case of loved ones but can be applied for rest.
While I still cannot say that I have come out as a winner all I can say is that I have learnt and am still learning ways and means to survive the everlasting hurricane! ;-). This was proved recently when I surprised myself when even a single drop of tear dint escape my eyes in an emotionally difficult situation. If anything sometimes I hear myself saying, “Bring it on!”