Imagine you have got a promotion and a great raise; you are bouncing with joy who is the first person you wish to give this great news to? It might be your parents, your better half (all categories namely already, would be, you wish would be and other permutations you may think of ;-)). While you may have a list of people you wish to inform immediately there will also be a list of people like, “can and will be informed tomorrow/on weekend”, “why should I tell them?”, “will tell them if they ask” or some people who simply do not fit in any of such lists.
I strongly believe that the best way to make someone feel unwanted and ignored is by hiding things from them whereby giving them limited access to your life and things related to it. It’s both small and big things, keeping a plan under wraps, hiding a good news, a big purchase or simply dampening the excitement of a person by responding coldly and many such things. Basically it’s about how close the people in the situation are or they wish to portray by giving them the desired access.
I am sure most of us will agree that it does annoy us when something is hidden from us on purpose or otherwise and especially when you do not expect it from the person doing it. So again the base line moves to expectations! How much ever we try, we really can’t stop expecting from people around, especially if they mean something to us. If that person means more to us than anyone else or everyone else put together then our plight is unexplainable when they make us feel unwanted.
These situations become more complicated in the Great Indian Families. Matters become complicated when things are hidden and eventually the relationship turns sour and it applies both to pleasant and unpleasant events. It is relatively simpler but graver when in between a couple. From expectations for including each other in most of the things is not fulfilled, it leads to mistrust and eventually to bitterness between the two. The Spear Of Words are aimed at each other with the most practiced moves and sometimes with raw power and rage which they never knew existed. Imagine a husband and wife making each other feel that they are not a part of each other’s plans and do not have access to each other’s life.
Sometimes more than the anger, it is the disappointment that kills us. The disappointment of not including us in the plans, making us feels left out and basically unwanted. As human beings we crave to be accepted, loved and wanted in various social circles including friends, family or for that matter the society as a whole. We seek recognition in various ways sometimes by the means of materialistic things or the other times in our achievements. An applause, a few kind words, a few words of praise and the feeling that someone is proud of us makes life bearable if not wonderful. These things are expected more from the people who matter to us and the feeling of recognition from them assures and sometimes reassures us that we matter equally to them too.
When people who matter to us make us feel unwanted brings with it lot of pain, broken expectations and sadness which is a little difficult to take at times. The feeling that someone else is more important to them than us makes us feel depressed to no extent, especially in a relationship of a couple. The feelings are more intense when the couple is estranged and at its peak when the separation is fresh! Although the intensity with which it hits them will depend on lot of factors such as since how long the two people are separated, how was the relationship, how long have they been together, in what conditions were they separated, was it mutual or messy separation so on and so forth.
I feel the medicine to broken expectations is acceptance. The acceptance that you are no longer a part of some people’s plan may reduce the anxiety inside of us. Saying that do not have expectations will sound a bit too saintly especially coming from me, but I do it on purpose sometimes. I just don’t expect people to include me in all their plans or that they will participate and be enthusiastic about all the plans I make. Ohh I see a halo appearing on my head now :-D. On a serious note, it does help. Accept and move on!