Have you ever faced a situation when you really want to express what you feel in way of speaking or hugging someone but are not able to do so for certain reasons? Well, I am in such a dilemma now and I am clueless as to what should I do. The reasons are multiple, sometimes as plain as distance or as complicated as that the person does not feel the same way as you do.
We human beings sometimes insist on making things and situations complicated, especially in delicate matters of the heart, thereby making life a little difficult for the other person and for us. Gifted as we are with the power of speech, we abuse it to the fullest, rude as it may sound, but that’s what I honestly feel. When I say abuse the power it means literally and figuratively. So consumed are we with some blind force in the moments of rage that we say harshest words in the most annoying way intending to hurt the other person and hit all the soft spots to kind of show the person their place. We swiftly transfer the poison from one person to other by rubbing it on the spear of words we use to stab others.
So what makes us do and speak such horrible things? The base line is most of the time high expectations from the other person and some kind of unhappiness and bitterness inside of us. Sometimes the battle of words reaches an extent where the two people in it forget logic, reasoning and all such things which would have helped to avoid battle at the first place. The phase of the word exchange starts from discussion, then goes to argument then to a shouting match and thereof. The time taken to change each phase might depend of various factors. When quick fix is required, snapping at each other is the simplest way!
Sometime back I read somewhere that when we are emotionally close to someone, even whispers in a low voice can be heard by the other person. We shout when we are angry because at that moment we do not feel emotionally close and connected to that person. We shout for words to reach that person’s ears not heart, the heart sort of closes the door at that precise moment. The mind forgets logic, reasoning and is so heated up like a pressure cooker that it has to release the steam. This might be partly because the steam has been building up in the mind for quite some time. God knows I have been in ample shouting matches in my life, sometimes as a quiet onlooker and as a participant in others.
We learn with experience, and so I have learnt the following things with all the situations in life. They might seem repetitive but I am just jotting them down as my experience. I use these experiences in my personal life, while most of them are applicable there to some might seem irrelevant.
# When angry and feel the need to smash a person’s face vent out, keep quiet. Contradictory as it may seem, it really helps. A delayed reaction is a softer reaction and it kind of reverses the cycle from battle to shouting match to argument to discussion!
# Keeping expectations is not bad, but setting it out is not bad either. Keeping the expectations on the table always helps and saying it aloud in a polite way works wonders, provided that the expectations are legitimate and reasonable.
# Listen to understand not react. (Read somewhere)
# Our heart and mind are like gold, harsh hammering only makes it ugly, so are the minds and hearts of people we speak to. Gently hammering and melting will enable you to mould it and make intricate designs.
# There are 100 (and more) different ways of saying things and there will always be another way. Choose one which is polite and un-harming.
# Be at peace with yourself, accepting oneself as we are as important as accepting others. Do not punish yourself harshly for things, it ok to falter sometimes but let it be by mistake and not intentionally.