For the past one week there is a dark loom hanging over me. I do not know why, I seem to be under a dark spell which is stopping me from being happy. Although I have written about my definition of happiness here, for the past few days I am not able to choose happiness over the dark loom. I am constantly carrying an immense load in my heart of something which I myself am failing to understand. Some days back I was like a freshly blown balloon which was colourful, all bouncy and shiny, but now that the air is deserting the balloon it has gone dull, empty and lost its charm.
My heart is filled with darkness like a deep valley at the darkest hour of the night in which the darkness engulfs everything and it is not only difficult to see what is in it but near impossible to know how deep the bottom is. Such is the darkness in my valley of my heart that I myself cannot believe that is a actually a lush green prosperous valley when the sun shines on it. My smile refuses to reach my eyes and my voice does not reach my ears. It feels that I am floating thru a dark vaccum without direction in which nothing can be seen or heard. My life might seem normal superficially to a third person and it would take a person to really know me to find out that something is wrong.
I am finding it difficult by the day to keep up appearances. It is not that I have secluded myself, it is nearly impossible as well. I talk to people around, the business is as usual at work and the problem solving skills kick in as and when necessary but the glow of these things vanish as it comes immediately. In all this chaos, I make sure that my work does not suffer I take extra care of minute details when in such phase.
As it happens most of the times, the reason for this dullness of mine is unknown. I am struggling to find a reason as to why my heart has sunk this low that I am counting the things that could have been but are not instead of counting my blessings. I am yet to reach the self pity mode and I am struggling a lot not to go that way!
Off late I have lost too many things too, materialistic things I mean. I lost my gold bracelet which I have been wearing for nearly 8 years. Few days before I lost it, I was looking at it adorably and thinking how beautiful it is and realised that it had almost become a part of me. And there, it was gone in no time! I was so shocked and stunned when I lost it that I was unable to speak for some time. I am not a person with materialistic needs but some things hold some emotional values to me. After that I lost a couple of small things but I can live with it since they are some things which I can buy easily. I have realised long back that people and things part ways with us it’s only a matter of time and reason before they do.
How much ever psychologically we prepare ourselves with that fact that things and people leave us, some of them create a void that nobody or nothing else can fill. I have taken recluse in writing this time and I am pouring my heart out in it. With all this, I am trying really very hard to convince myself that this is just a passing phase and that the sun rise it the nearest when it is the darkest!