JUST WHEN I THOUGHT!

For the last 2-3 years it has become a trend with me just when I think of something happening or settling down the opposite happens. While my friends and people close to me tell me that whatever happens, happens for a reason and that’s what I keep telling myself too but I fail to see the reason most of the times! Such is the upheaval that I end up blaming myself for taking or not taking some decisions, this includes decision related and not related to situation. I start looking back at the past and stay there for considerable amount of time and then land up in a self pity, self criticism mode and totally miserable. I criticise myself for almost everything that I have done or not done, which I should have done, some things which I realised late and so on and so forth.

While time has a wonderful way to showing what matters it also has a brutal way of showing what should have mattered at some point of time in the past. Regrets and self doubt start to creep in when the later happens and we end up losing self confidence. When I look back I think I have taken some reckless decisions when not required and taken cautions decisions when I should have been reckless. I was carrying some irrational fears and self doubt, especially in case of personal relationships. Sometimes too much caution and fear of something that may or may not happen in future stops me from taking rational decisions. You know the situation when you are looking too far ahead on the road and fail to see a stone in your way and trip on it and fall flat on your face similarly I look too ahead and cannot see that beautiful things which are in front of me and fail to admire and appreciate them and fall flat on my face. This has happened to me too many times in the past.

Instead of counting my blessing and appreciating what my loved ones are doing for me, I kept looking so much ahead that I became blind to their love and kept thinking about how things will not work out in the future. The anxiety of the future literally and figuratively killed the joy and love in my present life. I kept making the wrong choices which lead to friction and eventually to a very very tough time in life where I was struggling with everything and everyone around except my work. I remained loyal to my work throughout and did everything to best of my abilities.

A couple of years back just when I thought that I had settled in my work life and that I love it to core there were some changes in the policy from management which took me off guard and threw my career in turmoil. I was struggling like a small stone caught in a strong current in the sea. I had worked in the organization for the entire duration of my career and was completely dedicated to my work, I suddenly felt betrayed and crest fallen. I did not know what to do in which directions to go. I kept thinking how can they do this to me? So shocked was I that even tears failed me. So that’s when the sentence that I had read somewhere hit me hard, “Love your job but not your company!”

When I was a bit settled with above situation, I started to look back on the personal relationship side and decided to settle it too. I planned and re-planned on how to make it better, but again just when I thought that I could make things better, situations turned worse and again I was thrown in turmoil. I struggled thru it and again started blaming myself for not looking at it positively when the time was right. The relationship had gone beyond repair and the loose ends could no longer be tied, it had shattered completely. I lived in misery again. That phase was one of the toughest phases of my life, when I now look back I wonder how I came out of it (I am not completely out of it yet and there are innumerable after effects).

I have read lot of articles and one-liners on moving on, change is constant, stagnation is not desirable and many such things. The book ‘Who Moved My Cheese’ enchanted me at a point in time which seems to be eternity now, but now with the mental state that I am in I end up thinking ‘I am not a mouse, I am a human being and if not stagnation can I atleast expect stability?’ I strongly believe in Karma, but only for myself, time and situations have proved times and again that what goes around comes around. Although I have also observed that Karma is not just and fair all the time and to everyone, I still believe that such people are balancing it off elsewhere, some where I do not know. But as far as I am concerned whatever has gone around has come around with equal force. Only thing is I want to ask Karma is how much of it is remaining and by when can this be done?

Although I take lot of efforts to stay happy and count my blessings, I still do not seem to come out of The Dark Void which I was in some days back. I am just back from a great vacation in Goa that time too just when I thought that I am ready to face anything after this but I seems to be sinking too low to get up and get going.

I hope this will pass too!

GO GOA GONE – DAY 1

Helloz every one! I am just back from an amazing holiday (reason for missing presence on my blog) from one of the most favourite holiday destination in India, Goa! I have been to Goa twice for work and once with family, this was my first time with friends and it was just amazing.

Colva Beach
Colva Beach

The trip was planned almost a month back between 3 of us, out of which 2 of us were determined to make it happen any which ways. So like any other holiday planning we started off with booking of tickets. My friend Prachi booked the tickets and I booked the hotel. While the return tickets were confirmed, the tickets for the journey from Mumbai to Goa were on waiting list. The train from Mumbai to Goa would take mere 10 hours and we started dreaming of waking up to Goa and start enjoying right away. To fulfil this dream I sprang into action and used one of my contacts to confirm the ticket; he almost swore to god that the tickets will be confirmed and that we should reach the station on time.  The thing with tickets on waiting list is that the seat number are allotted after the chart is prepared that is 3 hours prior to the journey.

Colva Beach
Colva Beach

So we were waiting patiently impatiently for the seat numbers to be allotted, I kept calling Prachi to check the portal and our worst nightmare had come true, the tickets were not confirmed! So crest fallen were we that I was almost about to burst into tears. I was cursing that fellow for spoiling our holiday but I too was determined to make it happen and so I tried for bus tickets. Unfortunately since it was a week with 2 public holidays apparently everybody on the globe (exaggeration intended) had planned Goa and I was not able to get tickets from anywhere. Finally the same source got bus tickets at around 10 pm for us after lot of struggle, Prachi came to my place and we boarded the bus at around 12.45 am. At that moment I concluded that the Almighty has done this because of my love for road travel.(Talk about blind belief :-P)

Mean while in all this chaos, our respective mothers were worried to the core. So amid all this confusion and anxiety our journey started and we slept blissfully in the bus journey dreaming to wake up to Goa. Much to our surprise we were only half way thru when we opened our eyes at around 7 am. So again we slept and woke up and finally reached Margaon at around 2.30 PM.

Colva Beach
Colva Beach

We had booked a resort of Goa Tourism Development Corporation named Colva Residency at Colva Beach and our experience with the hotel was one of its kinds, more about it later. So we took an auto riksha from Margao bus depot and reached the hotel at around 3 PM. We loved the resort instantly because of many reasons and resented it equally later for others. For one, it was touching the beach and secondly it had beautiful lawns which were eye pleasing and later fully utilized for our photo sessions! 😀

GTDC Hotel - Colva Residency
GTDC Hotel – Colva Residency

We had no particular agenda for the trip and this was by far the most unplanned trip I had undertaken, which I realised later, was a blessing in disguise. After reaching the hotel we freshened up and were a bit late in starting the day at around 5 PM because of the bus travel which took much longer than expected, as against 9 AM had we travelled by train. Nevertheless, it did not dampen our spirits and we hit the beach straight away looking pretty and fresh J. We shunned all the unnecessary things, namely extra clothes which were unsuitable for the beach :-D, our anxiety of being all by ourselves, our fear of things going wrong and we literally and figuratively let out hair down that evening. We had some good food and were off to sleep like well mannered children by 10.30 PM :-P. This was the end of Day 1 of our trip.

The Pretty Me!
The Pretty Me!

The beach is amazingly clean and naturally beautiful and the best part about it is that it is less crowded and is almost like a private beach in the mornings and late evenings as against beaches in North Goa which are almost always crammed with tourists. Initially I had feared that the distance of Colva from all the hot and happening places would be of a little inconvenience but all such notions were cleared and replaced with happiness later.

More about our Goa Trip in the next post

UNWANTED!!

Imagine you have got a promotion and a great raise; you are bouncing with joy who is the first person you wish to give this great news to? It might be your parents, your better half (all categories namely already, would be, you wish would be and other permutations you may think of ;-)). While you may have a list of people you wish to inform immediately there will also be a list of people like, “can and will be informed tomorrow/on weekend”, “why should I tell them?”, “will tell them if they ask” or some people who simply do not fit in any of such lists.

Image Source : clipartpanda.com
Image Source : clipartpanda.com

I strongly believe that the best way to make someone feel unwanted and ignored is by hiding things from them whereby giving them limited access to your life and things related to it. It’s both small and big things, keeping a plan under wraps, hiding a good news, a big purchase or simply dampening the excitement of a person by responding coldly and many such things. Basically it’s about how close the people in the situation are or they wish to portray by giving them the desired access.

I am sure most of us will agree that it does annoy us when something is hidden from us on purpose or otherwise and especially when you do not expect it from the person doing it. So again the base line moves to expectations! How much ever we try, we really can’t stop expecting from people around, especially if they mean something to us. If that person means more to us than anyone else or everyone else put together then our plight is unexplainable when they make us feel unwanted.

Most Unwanted Image

These situations become more complicated in the Great Indian Families. Matters become complicated when things are hidden and eventually the relationship turns sour and it applies both to pleasant and unpleasant events. It is relatively simpler but graver when in between a couple. From expectations for including each other in most of the things is not fulfilled, it leads to mistrust and eventually to bitterness between the two. The Spear Of Words are aimed at each other with the most practiced moves and sometimes with raw power and rage which they never knew existed. Imagine a husband and wife making each other feel that they are not a part of each other’s plans and do not have access to each other’s life.

Sometimes more than the anger, it is the disappointment that kills us. The disappointment of not including us in the plans, making us feels left out and basically unwanted. As human beings we crave to be accepted, loved and wanted in various social circles including friends, family or for that matter the society as a whole. We seek recognition in various ways sometimes by the means of materialistic things or the other times in our achievements. An applause, a few kind words, a few words of praise and the feeling that someone is proud of us makes life bearable if not wonderful. These things are expected more from the people who matter to us and the feeling of recognition from them assures and sometimes reassures us that we matter equally to them too.

Image Source - www.emedco.com
Image Source – http://www.emedco.com

When people who matter to us make us feel unwanted brings with it lot of pain, broken expectations and sadness which is a little difficult to take at times. The feeling that someone else is more important to them than us makes us feel depressed to no extent, especially in a relationship of a couple.  The feelings are more intense when the couple is estranged and at its peak when the separation is fresh! Although the intensity with which it hits them will depend on lot of factors such as since how long the two people are separated, how was the relationship, how long have they been together, in what conditions were they separated, was it mutual or messy separation so on and so forth.

I feel the medicine to broken expectations is acceptance. The acceptance that you are no longer a part of some people’s plan may reduce the anxiety inside of us. Saying that do not have expectations will sound a bit too saintly especially coming from me, but I do it on purpose sometimes. I just don’t expect people to include me in all their plans or that they will participate and be enthusiastic about all the plans I make. Ohh I see a halo appearing on my head now :-D. On a serious note, it does help. Accept and move on!