For the last 2-3 years it has become a trend with me just when I think of something happening or settling down the opposite happens. While my friends and people close to me tell me that whatever happens, happens for a reason and that’s what I keep telling myself too but I fail to see the reason most of the times! Such is the upheaval that I end up blaming myself for taking or not taking some decisions, this includes decision related and not related to situation. I start looking back at the past and stay there for considerable amount of time and then land up in a self pity, self criticism mode and totally miserable. I criticise myself for almost everything that I have done or not done, which I should have done, some things which I realised late and so on and so forth.
While time has a wonderful way to showing what matters it also has a brutal way of showing what should have mattered at some point of time in the past. Regrets and self doubt start to creep in when the later happens and we end up losing self confidence. When I look back I think I have taken some reckless decisions when not required and taken cautions decisions when I should have been reckless. I was carrying some irrational fears and self doubt, especially in case of personal relationships. Sometimes too much caution and fear of something that may or may not happen in future stops me from taking rational decisions. You know the situation when you are looking too far ahead on the road and fail to see a stone in your way and trip on it and fall flat on your face similarly I look too ahead and cannot see that beautiful things which are in front of me and fail to admire and appreciate them and fall flat on my face. This has happened to me too many times in the past.
Instead of counting my blessing and appreciating what my loved ones are doing for me, I kept looking so much ahead that I became blind to their love and kept thinking about how things will not work out in the future. The anxiety of the future literally and figuratively killed the joy and love in my present life. I kept making the wrong choices which lead to friction and eventually to a very very tough time in life where I was struggling with everything and everyone around except my work. I remained loyal to my work throughout and did everything to best of my abilities.
A couple of years back just when I thought that I had settled in my work life and that I love it to core there were some changes in the policy from management which took me off guard and threw my career in turmoil. I was struggling like a small stone caught in a strong current in the sea. I had worked in the organization for the entire duration of my career and was completely dedicated to my work, I suddenly felt betrayed and crest fallen. I did not know what to do in which directions to go. I kept thinking how can they do this to me? So shocked was I that even tears failed me. So that’s when the sentence that I had read somewhere hit me hard, “Love your job but not your company!”
When I was a bit settled with above situation, I started to look back on the personal relationship side and decided to settle it too. I planned and re-planned on how to make it better, but again just when I thought that I could make things better, situations turned worse and again I was thrown in turmoil. I struggled thru it and again started blaming myself for not looking at it positively when the time was right. The relationship had gone beyond repair and the loose ends could no longer be tied, it had shattered completely. I lived in misery again. That phase was one of the toughest phases of my life, when I now look back I wonder how I came out of it (I am not completely out of it yet and there are innumerable after effects).
I have read lot of articles and one-liners on moving on, change is constant, stagnation is not desirable and many such things. The book ‘Who Moved My Cheese’ enchanted me at a point in time which seems to be eternity now, but now with the mental state that I am in I end up thinking ‘I am not a mouse, I am a human being and if not stagnation can I atleast expect stability?’ I strongly believe in Karma, but only for myself, time and situations have proved times and again that what goes around comes around. Although I have also observed that Karma is not just and fair all the time and to everyone, I still believe that such people are balancing it off elsewhere, some where I do not know. But as far as I am concerned whatever has gone around has come around with equal force. Only thing is I want to ask Karma is how much of it is remaining and by when can this be done?
Although I take lot of efforts to stay happy and count my blessings, I still do not seem to come out of The Dark Void which I was in some days back. I am just back from a great vacation in Goa that time too just when I thought that I am ready to face anything after this but I seems to be sinking too low to get up and get going.
I hope this will pass too!